Posted by Prince Gomolvilas From Los Angeles, California.

Let me go backwards:

After our big first performance of Emophiliacs on Sunday, we decided it was only appropriate to celebrate at none other than the Daly City IHOP. I don't know if this has a sheen of shiny irony or if it's just simply depressing. Either way, you automatically drop all impulses toward deep analysis when an IHOP Funnel Cake is placed before you. The IHOP Funnel Cake is a glorious bastard of a dessert. It's like eating a large deep-fried donut topped with syrup and raw sugar and slathered in sweet strawberry glaze topping and high-fat whipped cream. It was so good and delicious that I wanted to fuck it.

We shared the Funnel Cake: me, James Parr, Mike, Danny, and two other friends of Inverness. Travis was not there because he had to get up early the next day. Whine, whine, whine! I'm sure if we ended up at some seedy dive bar with hookers, Travis would've showed up. But, alas, the other boys are still underage, and they still keep asking me to buy them beer, but I will not be a party to juvenile delinquency. (Unless paid enough.)

All of us were abuzz because the show was quite successful, and I didn't care that the cod tasted like a human foot. You shouldn't order cod at IHOP anyway. You should order what Danny ordered: the Fruity Country Griddle Cakes Combo. Which made me laugh.

JAMES: We should take this show on the road and perform it all around the country, just like Cats!

Well, sort of like Cats.

~~~~~

After the show was over, people milled about in the theater, and I had a good time chatting it up with a bunch of teenagers about how the play CHANGED THEIR LIFE, as Inverness attended to their fans. I also met James and Danny's mother, and she is fabulous. Later, I talked to James:

ME: I met your mother, and she is fabulous.

JAMES (defensively): She only had one beer tonight!

People kept saying that they really didn't know what to expect, coming into Emophiliacs. But by the time it was over, they were quite impressed. The actors nailed their monologues, the band has never sounded better, and the entire night was truly something, particularly because it was the first time this show had been seen by anybody in the entire world. I'm not sure if even the people there knew how significant that was.

~~~~~

Prior to the start of the show, we all hung out in the dressing room, where everything was so informal and fun that the festival's production manager remarked, "This is a really different dressing room culture than I'm used to." I liked how one of the actors was hunched down underneath the dressing room counter, in the dark, in a near fetal position. I looked at him and exclaimed, "That's so emo!" Which is the point of it all, isn't it?

JAMES: Prince.

ME: James Parr.

JAMES: I'm nervous, Prince.

ME: Really?

JAMES: My hands are sweaty, Prince.

ME: Do you normally get nervous?

JAMES: No. Not at all. When it's one of our own shows, we can fuck up and it's okay. But this is your play, and we don't wanna fuck it up.

ME: It's your play too.

JAMES: This is really important. I don't wanna mess up. That's all.

ME: You're gonna do great.

JAMES: I hope so.

ME: Hey, James, the last song in the show? "Still Standing Here"?

JAMES: Yeah?

ME: Who is it about?

JAMES: An ex-girlfriend. Why?

ME: When you perform that song tonight, I want you to reach back into your memory. I really want you to channel all the emotions from that relationship. Can you do that?

JAMES: Sure. You want tears?

ME: Go deep.

JAMES: You got it, Prince.

~~~~~~

A couple days before the show, Inverness and I were at the Linda Mar Starbucks in Pacifica, having a business meeting, where James and Mike had these iced red-colored girl drinks. And that's where I learned about how the guys say hello and goodbye when they're put into a position in which they have to say hello and goodbye. Travis prefers to shake hands. Mike prefers to pound fists, real hip-hop like. And James prefers to avoid any kind of contact. A simple "What's-up?" or "See-ya-later" head movement is as far as he really likes to go.

In the parking lot of the IHOP the night of our historic first performance of Emophiliacs, I shook hands and pounded fists, a warm goodbye to the guys who have been such an important part of this project and who have become an important part of my life. When it was James's turn to say goodbye to me, I raised my palms in the air, arched my eyebrows, and said, "Good night, James."

James smiled, stepped forward, and gave me an awkward but sincere half-hug. In the glow of the IHOP parking lot light, it was a nice thing to do.

Posted by Prince Gomolvilas From Los Angeles, California.

I left this voicemail for James Parr, who is unfortunately smart enough to turn his phone off while he is sleeping:

ME: Okay, so when James had the bright idea to call me at 4:30 in the morning, did any of you try to stop him?

(Long pause.)

TRAVIS: No.

Then  James called me back.

JAMES: I was glad you were able to blog it.

ME: Yes, it was very entertaining, but, to be clear: just because the incident resulted in a fun entry, that IS NOT an open invitation for you to keep calling me at 4:30 a.m.

JAMES: I know. That was a one-time thing.

ME: I mean, you ARE allowed to call me at 4:30 a.m., but only if you’re in a Mexican jail or dead or were just gangbanged by a group of burly men.

JAMES: Okay. Bye.

ME: Bye.

Who's a dirtier whore? James Parr or a dirty whore?

~~~~~

I hear Mike has a new song that he's written expressly for Emophiliacs. That's a good thing. I like new songs almost as much as I like new kittens! Fluffy kittens that I hug and I kiss! I love you, fluffy kittens! I love you so much!

There's room in the show for about ten songs, but there are already about fifteen that I want to use. Which means I'll have to make some tough decisions and make some of the guys cry by cutting some songs that they wrote. It hurts to be an adult.

~~~~~~

Some of my snide friends keep referring to Inverness as my "boy band." Irony to the tenth degree? Or closer to the truth than anyone will admit? You decide.

~~~~~

Oh my god, all the old people who normally go to the theater are already reserving seats to see Emophiliacs! They don't even fucking know what they're getting themselves into! This IS NOT West Side Story, you old coots!

If YOU are planning on coming to the show in San Francisco on either July 31 or August 6, RESERVE YOUR SEATS NOW. You don't have to put money down or use a credit card or anything. Just e-mail festival@playwrightsfoundation.org. Tell them you wanna see Emophiliacs, which date you wanna come, and how many in your party. Do it now, 'cuz this thing WILL SELL OUT. And I want America's youth to represent. RESERVE NOW!

~~~~~~

By the way, I just posted one monologue that is featured in the show at www.emophiliacs.com. It's called "Backseat Confessional," and it's awesome, and you can find it in the "Words" section. Enjoy!

~~~~~

Finally, I worked very long and very hard to strike this emo pose.

Do I look sad enough?

James and Mike are safely back from Cancun, and I am happy to report that James does not have crabs. (But that doesn't mean he's not the dirtiest whore on the planet!) (James, I'm just playing.) (Not really.) (No, really, I'm just clownin' ya, dude.) (But not really.) (Whore!) (Just kidding.) (I'm not kidding.) (I am.) (But I'm really not.) (But I am.) (Am I?)

Mike describes his trip as "the best experience he's ever had." But then again, he's never fucked a goat, so what does he know?

This is a public reminder to the boys in the band: your new songs for Emophiliacs are due on Wednesday! Don't make me come to your houses and slap you like the bitches I slap down here in Southern California! 'Cuz that's all I do down here. Slap bitches and shop at Hot Topic.

~~~~~

Even though I am down here, I have spies in the Bay Area. My spies went to Inverness's Studio Z gig earlier this week, and they report that the guys were incredibly tight and Ryan actually smiled once. I was also filled in on all of the band's drunk fans. You don't have to be drunk to be a fan, but it sure helps, doesn't it?

~~~~~

Travis sent me an e-mail at 9AM this morning. 9AM?! He was awake?! Is he growing up? Aww, my baby's all growed up!

~~~~~

Danny Parr, do you read this blog, 'cuz I wanna talk shit about you, and it would be pointless if you never see it.

I hate going to Hot Topic on weekends because that's when all the preteen girls go. When I'm trying on cool trendy jackets, they knock me out of the way as they're running towards the Napoleon Dynamite T-shirt display. And then before I can get to the register, they've formed a massive line and attempt to pay with their mom's credit card, so it takes forever, and I end up getting impatient and putting the jacket back and eating at the food court. This is life in Los Angeles. Stay where you are.

I finally got a hold of Danny Parr, and he's not a stupid bitch. He actually reminds me a lot of his brother James, who is currently at a Mexican whorehouse (or so I'm guessing). Anyway, Danny is up to speed, and I'm not going to buy him IHOP until he proves to be invaluable in the context of my life, which I'm guessing will be never. But I've been wrong before.

Since James and Mike are away, only Travis and I were able to hear Inverness being played on 93.7 FM in San Francisco last night. The station spun "Miller Does a Body Good," and the band gained 5 million new fans (give or take 5 million or so). We're going to send a press kit to Ryan Seacrest in L.A. with a note that says: "Ryan, will you shove this demo CD up your ass?" We greatly anticipate his response.

This Emophiliacs show is really a fantastic project, and I've been working a lot with the guys from Inverness to make something absolutely fucking amazing. My greatest hope, however, is that our collaboration will not end bitterly like the end of Revenge of the Sith [SPOILER ALERT!], with them betraying me in some horrible way and with me chopping off all their legs, watching them catch fire, and screaming, "You were the chosen ones!!!!! I loved you!!!!!" But my instincts about people have always been sharp, so I know that these guys are actually more like furry Ewoks. Yub nub! And the first person to post all the lyrics from that absolutely adorable Ewoks song will get a very personal comment posting from me as a thank-you for making me feel fuzzy and special. And when I say special, I don't mean that in a retarded sort of way.

~~~~~

And now a public service announcement from Inverness:

Listen up, bitches! Inverness plays gigs all around the Bay Area, but the last time we were in San Francisco was something like last year, and the last time we were in a 21 and over venue in San Francisco was something like before we were born. So our upcoming June 14th show at Studio Z, a rockin' SOMA club, is VITALLY IMPORTANT. We have to show the world that we have San Francisco street cred, as well as 21+ street cred. Otherwise, our plans of worldwide domination will be thwarted, and we'll be forced to stop having sex with strangers.

So PLEASE, if you are in the San Francisco Bay Area and are 21 or over, COME TO THIS FUCKING SHOW and bring all your friends! All of them! EVEN THE UGLY ONES! And if you are not in the Bay Area, we know that you have friends that live there, so tell them to go! EVEN THE HOMELY ONES! Tell the club you're there to see Inverness!

If Inverness doesn't draw a big crowd Tuesday night, we will personally come to your house and CUT YOU!

We promise to play an energetic and entertaining set of aggressive and melodic rock and fucking roll. And the cover charge is only TWO GODDAMN DOLLARS! That's right: TWO DOLLARS! And if you do not thoroughly enjoy yourselves, we will personally refund you YOUR GODDAMN MONEY!

Here's how you can help us (if you help us, you will be admitted into heaven):

1.) Come to the show on June 14, and bring all your friends
2.) Call, e-mail, IM, and/or personally tell all your friends about this show
3.) Post a blog about the show
4.) Post a new Myspace bulletin about the show
5.) Post a new topic about the show in one of the Myspace groups you belong to or any other message boards on the Internet
6.) Send out Myspace event invites or Evite invitations to your friends if you're going to the show
7.) All of the Above

Here are the deets:

Inverness
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 @ 8PM
Studio Z, 314 11th Street, San Francisco, CA 94103
Cost: $2
The Ant Show presents Alter-Native Tuesday, featuring Inverness, Kamikaze Radio, Mishap, Morf, and First to Leave. Inverness is the first band of the night, so get there early! 21 and over show. More info at 415.252.7666 or www.StudioZ.tv.

Truly, though, people, Inverness thanks you for your support, and you have our undying gratitude.

James and Mike are now in Cancun, and I hope they are being very well-behaved because I don't want them to get thrown into a Mexican jail, where the burly guards sure do like 'em pretty. But I don't know if these punk-asses would ever listen to what I say. The night before James got on the plane:

JAMES: I'll talk to you when I get back.

ME: Don't get crabs!

JAMES: Okay.

ME: Good.

JAMES: ...But if I get crabs, I'll have something to write about in a song.

Yeah, James, I'm sure the world would just love a tune about anal rape as well, so bend over for the good of the music, okay?

While the boys are off for a week of hedonism, Travis and I are left holding the Internet marketing bag. Inverness has some rockin' good shows coming up, so we're working hard to fuck the shit out of the Internet. More on that later.

~~~~~

After our conference call last week, we finalized a lot of business type dealings, at which point James asked, "So does this mean you're not gonna take us to IHOP anymore?"

"That's right," I said. And I meant it.

~~~~~

Danny Parr, who will be taking over drumming duties at the festival performances of Emophiliacs, does not return my phone calls. I'm not sure he even knows who I am or what this play is that's he's in. I told James to call Danny a bitch to see if that would get him to pick up the motherfucking phone. But maybe negative reinforcement is not the way to go. Maybe I should promise to buy him a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.

When Pacifica kids dream at night, they dream of pancakes.

~~~~~

Dear Myspace Friends:

We continue our quest for worldwide domination like a crack whore deperately looks for one more john before going home for the night. And we think you can help us because you either have the mind set of A.) an Emophiliac or B.) a crack whore.

You have our undying gratitude if you can assist us in two ways:

***1.*** Inverness, the amazing band that writes and performs all the songs in the Emophiliacs show (the amazing band whose kick-ass songs grace our Myspace page), is working on building its network of friends on Myspace. So PLEASE visit them on their very very own Myspace page at www.myspace.com/inverness, and ADD THEM TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST. As a thanks, they'll even leave you a personalized comment to brighten up your wretched, crack whore-ish life! (And if you haven't already added www.myspace.com/emophiliacs, then what the hell are you waiting for?!)

***2.*** Then...now that you have befriended both Emophiliacs and Inverness, it's time to SPREAD THE WORD LIKE A VENEREAL DISEASE! Tell all your friends to visit our Myspace pages and add us. Here are some suggestions on how to spread the word:
A.) Post a Blog About Us
B.) Post a New Bulletin About Us
C.) Post a New Topic About Us in One of the Myspace Groups You Belong To
D.) Post Personal Comments About Us on Your Friends' Myspace Pages
E.) All of the Above

Thanks a lot, whores and non-whores alike.

xoxoxoxoxo Emophiliacs

Travis has Triassic Triops. They're these little seed things that you put in water. They're prehistoric creatures. Travis saw them and said, "I need these! They make me happy!"

He also has a picture of him and his girlfriend that's in the bathroom right in front of the toilet, so he can look at it while he's on the toilet.

He bought the Nickelodeon DVD of Pete & Pete.

There's a picture of Travis and his girlfriend on New Year's Eve. They're sipping on sparkling apple cider from champagne glasses. I'm not kidding.

He still has Easter candy left over.

The members of Inverness and I are going to have a threeway tonight.... Er, I mean, threeway phone call. On my cell. My cell phone. That's what I mean. Talking. Business meeting. Phone meeting. Business. That's all.... Whew!

There are a lot of things to take care of before James and Mike leave for Cancun, where they are likely to get arrested for something and be thrown into a grueling Mexican jail. I'm keeping my cell phone on 24 hours a day while they're away because I anticpate having to deal with an international crisis and I'll probably have to attempt to break the guys out before they become victims of prison rape.

The South San Francisco Boys & Girls Club is as oppressively hot and smelly as a sumo wrestler's ass crack. Not that I've ever been inside a sumo wrestler's ass crack.... Within the last year.

Anyway, Inverness, also known as The Greatest Band in the World, was playing on a roster of several bands on Saturday night. I was there. And I have a motherfucking star stamp on my hand to prove it, bitches!

Travis should stop bringing his hot girlfriend to shows because his teen girl fans recoil in horror whenever they see him giving her a kiss. Mike should start sleeping with fans, but he has a hot girlfriend too. At least James has the business savvy to not look disturbed by girls surrounding him while he's performing, just six inches of space separating him and them, as they gaze into his eyes and take camera phone snapshots, akin to that whole monkey-at-the-zoo phenomenon. And Ryan seems to enjoy walking around with his shirt off nonchalantly (he's done it before), but let me tell you something: that bitch knows exactly what he's doing. Hey, if it'll sell tickets, then strip, bitch!

James was a madman on stage--grinding, writhing, screaming in punk rock insanity--and the whole band was really tight. They all sweated like crazy. Or, if you will, like a sumo wrestler's ass crack.

The following morning I met up with James, Travis, and Mike for a production meeting about Emophiliacs and other business. When I asked James to choose someplace nice to meet, he said, "IHOP!" And then: "In Daly City!" Apparently, the IHOP in Daly City is where drunk Pacifica teenagers go. The guys weren't drunk that Sunday morning, but nostalgia has a stronger pull on us than we think.

Ha ha, Mike actually said the words "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity." No, he wasn't trying to insult me, he was just ordering pancakes. Travis wouldn't stop saying, "Thanks, HARRY," to the waiter. I'm not sure if calling your waiter by his first name all the time is friendly or condescending; it's a thin line. James sat there brooding, as if he were using his eyes to pierce into my very SOUL. Blink every once in a while, bitch!

I told the guys, "This is the IHOP meal that will change the course of your entire lives."

Green Day is going to play a date in Las Vegas in October, and my Vegas friends are looking into getting tickets and having me fly/drive out. My friends are very domestic, they have a baby, and, though their music tastes vary, Maroon 5 is as loud and aggressive they'll go. I don't think that they have any idea what they're in for. Screaming, singing along, blood, sweat, tears--and that's just coming from me. God knows what everyone else will be doing. I will, however, be avoiding the mosh pit because I'm small and fragile, and I don't want to get my shoulder dislocated.

...OH MY HOLY CRAP! Paige just called me in the middle of writing this blog entry to tell me that she bought me those Vegas Green Day tickets as a birthday present!!!!! And Jimmy Eat World is opening! I just creamed my pants.

In exciting Emophiliacs news, I'll be heading back up to San Francisco next weekend to see Inverness perform at the South San Francisco Boys and Girls Club (also known as Jail Bait Central), to meet with the guys about the show, to read at a Bay Area Playwrights Festival benefit, and to have a casting meeting in order to find some amazing actors who will do everything I say. "Do it, bitch!"